In · The · Life · Of · CD

Work has been slow. Not financially breaking me, but I’ve noticed a $25 drop on average to my total check, which equals $50 a month I’m missing. But that’s the economy for you. I’m thankful to still have a job and to be doing as good as I am, honestly.
I’m praying things will pick up.

Reading has gotten better. I finished Star Trek: Vulcan’s Soul trilogy and I have to say, I really enjoyed it. I loved seeing Vulcan’s history and past. I loved seeing the founding of Romulus and Remas and learning how Surak impacting Vulcan essentially to its core.
And it was good seeing Spock back in the spotlight even set prior to the events in Nemesis. Definitely worth a read.
I also managed to read two more books in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, which as I’ve mentioned before is a terrific series for kids and really has great humor than nostalgia will help older people relate to. The third book is called The Last Straw and the fourth is called Dog Days. All I can say is that not since Calvin and Hobbes has a child character entertained me so much. I really strongly recommend these books to everyone. It’s something fun and light hearted and different. And they only take a couple hours to read.
After that, I read Star Trek: Voyager: Full Circle. I’m very glad I did as after reading Star Trek: TNG: Resistance, ST: TNG: Before Dishonor and the ST: Destiny quad, I wasn’t feeling good about the Voyager crew that I’d come to love for 7 year in the Delta Quadrant. The relaunch novels started with a lot of potential but then it seemed Voyager got the shaft in anything afterwards.
Full circle goes a long way to clarify, add to and expand on a lot of the events that took place during and between those novels while setting Voyager up for getting back to its roots.
Yes, Admiral Janeway is still dead, but this book really gave her death meaning and now I feel closure on that character. I felt a little hollow when she died in Before Dishonor, but no more. It makes sense now.
B’Leanna and her daughter Miral are alive and well despite having read prior they were dead (and this explains why you read such prior). There’s also a lot of let over themes and plots from the show and previous books that get resolved her. Seven’s transformation into a full human isn’t going so well (The Borg no longer exist for those that don’t know), Chekotay and Janeway’s feelings are brought into focus and the rest of the crew finds their way back together, with the exception of Chekotay and Seven (who have their own mission now to figure out what’s happening to Seven and Chekotay left Starfleet) and Tuvok who is serving on the Titan under Riker.
And Voyager is heading back to the Delta Quadrant. (Not stranded though).
If you’re not a Trek fan, then I’m sure I bored everyone. But it you are, I say this is a great book to pick up and get reacquainted.
Now I’m trying to decide on what to read next. I think I’m gonna read Halo: Contact Harvest next. I loved the first 4, this shouldn’t be any different.

Video games have certainly been in the forefront as well. I managed to get 1000/1000 on Marvel’s Ultimate Alliance 2 and I really enjoyed the game. I think the first had the better story, but the gameplay on this one I think is more fluid, varied and fun, and I wouldn’t mind going through the game a third time.
I also decided to go ahead and get the latest DLC for The Force Unleashed to get the rest of the Achievements. Not worth 800 points. Looks great, fun add to the story, and fun battles. But it takes all of ten minutes to finish. So $12.50 is too much to spend on that. Save it for the Sith Edition coming in November.
Got a few more Achievements in Rock Band 2. Just a few for the Challenges that I kept putting off. Also downloaded the 10 song Queen track pack. I’m loving that one. Great song selection, from I Want To Break Free and One vision to Somebody to Love and Under Pressure.
Almost done with Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes now. I’m not crazy over the game. It’s okay and keeps me entertained, but I can’t say its worth $50 (I borrowed it from my brother). The graphics aren’t quite what I’d expect and the gameplay is somewhat kiddy-fied. I’m hoping to finish it up soon.
After that, I borrowed Mini Ninjas from my brother as well.

Movies I managed to just get back into. Bought Green Lantern: First Flight on blu-ray on release day and I have enjoyed that a lot. The art is really nice, the voice acting was good and I liked how while it was decently true to the origin story and comics in general, there was some unique moments as well and the ending left it open for a lot more to be done. Also tributes to more recent storylines as well. If you like Green Lantern (especially Hal Jordan), pick this up.
Second movie I got was Superman/Batman: Public enemies on blu-ray. The art style took a little getting used to for me since they used both the Superman:TAS and Batman:TAS voice actors for Batman and Superman, but once I got passed that, I loved it (and I do love the voice actors, I’m just used to picturing TAS art style to go with it). The storyline is based on the comic story arc of the same name and it’s a pretty deep story. The fight scenes were great and the voice acting was amazing too.
Lastly I got Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen on DVD. LOVED IT!. I think the first was a little better for keeping it “down to earth” so to speak, but the action and humor was definitely upped in this one. Overall, I equate it to the first.

And I guess that’s about it. I freed up everything in the 2 posts prior to this. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Later!

Emotional Undertone:

Down

So I don’t know exactly where that came from. I typed that in 2 seconds, having an urge to get this undefined feeling out of my chest. It’s still there, an almost solid lump that came out of nowhere.
The days have been pretty decent, but I think my heart’s been running amuck. Usually my thoughts go with it and I can understand this feeling, but since I’ve been maintaining control, my heart seems to have trekked off on it’s own to explore without telling me.
I don’t like feeling this way, it worries me. And the more I read what my fingers typed within a blur, it’s nothing easy coming on the horizon.

Any thoughts?

Emotional Undertone:	weird
Musical Overlay:	Rob Thomas - Fire On the Mountain

Work has drastically slowed down. I don’t know if it’s because we finally got our computer systems back up running (roughly) right that we’ve managed to get caught up or what, but it’s definitely back to the slow time, which isn’t all that promising since Christmas isn’t that far off.
I’m doing okay commission wise since what orders we’ve gotten we nice sized, but I’m still weary.
Things with the boss have continuously gotten better again which is good. I’m glad. Again I can’t say how worried I was in what direction that might have taken. But I’m glad it didn’t.

As far as reading goes, nothing too new. I’m two thirds done that Star Trek book and I’m really enjoying it. I know, that isn’t all that much to say on it, but what do you expect? It’s a 3-in-1 hardback. It’s gonna be a slow read.

Video Games have been going good though!
Batman: Arkham Asylum was an amazing game and I am happy to say I have not only beaten the game (twice), but I have 1000/1000 of the Achievements/Gamerscore for the game! The storyline was amazing, the graphics breath-taking (though maybe a hair on the “shiny” side, meaning making everything look like it’s plastic/reflective of light), music was great and the voice acting supurb!! Kevin Conroy as Batman, Mark Hamill as Joker and sadly, I don’t know her name, but the girl who voiced Harley Quinn on Batman:TAS is back for the role too. The hardest part was actually the combat challenges for 2 of the Achievements. If games can make you angry, this will set it off to no end…but dang, the satisfaction was such a rush when you did manage to pull it off. The game is worth picking up!
Oblivion …what can I say about this game? Outstandning. It’s hard to believe after playing this game for now 92 hours total time that I was so against this game because it was a first person view in an RPG game. But it worked and I loved the storylines from all the quests, main and otherwise. 92 hours has netted me 1250/1250 of Achievements and Gamerscore but I still haven’t finished a lot of the quests. I’ve still be going back here and there to keep decorating my Castle. I definitely love the variety of options you have in the rpg aspect. I don’t see stopping completely any time soon
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 is the newest pickup but I haven’t’ so much as tried it yet. My son has and he loves it more than the first, but I’ll decide when I try it. I hope to start it Thursday since I’m off.
My son recently bought (with his own money) Wolfenstein that just came out and that looks pretty decent and he can’t get enough of that game. He’s beaten it three times already, beating it on the hardest difficulty and plays multiplayer as well. I’m looking forward to trying that too.

I guess that’s about it really for now. Not much in the music way right now. Till Later.

Emotional Undertone:

tired

So I seem to only want to write these things when I’m not at a computer to do so. And by the time 10:30pm comes around, I’m tired and really don’t want to put a lot of effort into it, if at all. The other thing is I always feel so overwhelmed and depressed by things, I really don’t want to think about it.
But I can’t ignore my life, can I?

So for those who don’t know (which is probably most of everyone since I don’t think most here have a facebook), Markie and I aren’t together anymore. There was too much against it and the more I learned about her and got to know her, the less I wanted to. This wasn’t much of a surprise either. I knew/felt if was coming for a while now. Infact, if one remembers the poem I wrote on my 7/2/09 entry (its okay, I had to look it up too), that poem was about her, needing to get away.
I guess the 2 biggest problems I had was her smoking weed and her cheating on tests in college. The drugs should be pretty clear cut there as I don’t believe in them personally and more to the point, I didn’t/wouldn’t want it around my son. But the other was a little harder to come to terms with I guess.
There was a surface part of me that thought I should just leave it alone, chalk it up to “to each their own”. But I couldn’t. I tried. But it always came back to me. One definition of cheat, according to Dictionary.com, is: a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds. I admit I never attended college. I don’t know the scene. I don’t know the pressures or stresses that go with it. Maybe I’m missing something. But to me, cheating at this point should be beneath a person. One’s had their moment for it. They had grade, middle, even high school. But college is it. This is the preparation and set up for potentially the rest of your life! So what she was telling me she’s basing the rest of her life, career, and everything else that follows on dishonesty. And if she follows through on her chosen career/major, I feel sorry for the people she tries to help, because she’ll be bullcrapping her way through each one of them. I won’t even get into the maturity factor of it all.
I sound preachy, I know. I’m not trying to be. I guess I just want something better than that for myself, my son, for a future. Maybe I’m expecting too much.
It wasn’t just those two things though. We constantly argued about things. From what I did in my spare time, to every other thing out of one of our mouths. It got old fast. I feel like she never thought anything through before she spoke. She always complained about every little thing without taking so much as any effort to resolve the issues or even confront them. I’ll grant some of the issues weren’t easy ones to deal with. I don’t blame her for not wanting to on some. But some were just ridiculous. All in all, when it came to us and our differences, there were no easy solutions and all no wins.
So in the end, we parted on those terms and are just friends.

Adelle is getting closer to her time of moving out. So much mixed feelings and emotions with this! I’m both stressing out and trying not to about making her on my own with Bryan. I’m confident I can do it one moment (just gotta watch the pennies!) and other times I struggle with how How HOW!?
Part of the problem is she’s being very ignorant/backstabbing/deceitful now with things. Part of the deal for getting divorced when we did was that she didn’t move out until the Ford Focus (our car before she bought her own recently) was paid off. Otherwise, there was no way I could make it on my own. It was too much. This meant till, according to her, February of 2010. She agreed with no problem.
Now that the divorce has been final, she’s been trying to do everything to ignore that pact. She’s gotten a realtor and is looking to move out ASAP. She’s trying to skip out on her side of paying the car off, telling me she isn’t gonna “just buy me a car”.
Wait a frigg’n moment. This car was bought long before the divorce ever came up, her current boyfriend/fiancé, any of it. And she got her use of this car plenty before she bought her own just this year (we’ve had the Focus for I think 4? 5?). The car has almost 128k miles on it. It’s far from new.
When I mentioned I couldn’t afford to do that and reminded her fairly upset of her agreement, she said she’d pay “half”. Um, no, I’m now carrying the rent, electric, utilities, phone, everything on my own now. She can pay off the freak’n car. I can’t afford it all.
She had the audacity to tell me to “get a real job”.
…have I ever mentioned how much that statement always really pissed me off? No? ...Oh…well…
I. Hate. It.
A lot.
First, define a “real job”. And secondly, and more to the point, anything you want provided to you for a sum of money requires someone to do the “job”. Making it every bit as “real” as another. I make an average of $10 - $12 an hour depending on how good I do on commissions for the period. That really isn’t bad at all for where I work (town/state meaning, not place of business). Infact, that’s really good compared to others. Not to mention that I’m at least doing something fun and creative with my work. Something that requires some talent, taste and sense. She…follows a floor plan for putting up store displays. It’s not hard to put a shelf up, sorry. Wait, not just put one up, tell others to do it too. And then put the product on it. So, guess what? She’s a glorified stock person.
Now, she makes more than me. She’s held management/team leader positions and other positions of relative power with her job at Lowes and more currently at Target. So she goes on the basis that everyone can just go out and get these kind of jobs. She hasn’t paid much attention to the economy or the job situation in the news.
She tells me I don’t even try.
So I retort she should go out and put in apps for starting $15 an hour.
“I have. I put in an app back at Lowes requesting $20 an hour and they gave me an interview.”
Now, let’s step back and look at everything she didn’t take into account with that statement.
1.) She doesn’t have the job yet. It was just an interview.
2.) She’s worked there before for years, so she’s already familiar with the store.
3.) She now has a degree form her online college classes that TARGET PAID FOR! Without that, she’d have nothing.
4.) Knowing she left Lowes the first time to go to a job for more money can just as easily have a negative affect on their decision.
If she gets the job, great for her. I don’t’ begrudge her that. But dang, look at what was involved! If she doesn’t get it, believe me, I’m gonna tell her, “Not so easy is it?”
In addition to just the jobs itself, I’m irked as well because I’m sitting her trying to figure out how to make things work on my budget. No one else’s (except her $75 a week for child support). Meanwhile, her daddy’s sent her a check for $3000, and her “fiancé” is sending money and buying things for “their” new home left and right. So she’s no concept of really trying to make it on her own. Again, I don’t begrudge she has that. But she comes off like she doesn’t. She wants to make others think she’s doing it all on her own.
And of course, once she’s gone, it’ll really cement on my mind that I failed something that important (marriage in general I mean).
On the other hand, I am looking forward to her being out of the house because it means I can finally style it up MY way. No one to tell me no! So dang it, when one walks in the front door, you know what one of the first things a person will see will be? Master Chief’s helmet (from the Halo series) sitting nicely there on my desk on the opposite wall! And I’ll be turning my office into a reading room as well as a room for my son to do some of his things in.

And the most recent issue is with my brother Michael who has decided he wants to disown me and my son. This isn’t the first big fight we’ve gotten into mind you. Some of you might remember form previous entries. This is just the first that had absolutely NO purpose behind it.
To set up the situation:
I hadn’t talked to my brother in three days. Nothing was wrong (that I knew), I was just busy with work and had no need to really call or talk about much. Day Four I called him after I was done work to see what was up in general. He answers and he’s literally up against his stereo speaking with a movie or game going, blaring! I couldn’t hear him over it form the start, so I asked him if he could turn it down or pause so I could hear him. He sighs and huffs and puffs. I tell him right off if he wants and is busy, I can let him go, it wasn’t a big deal. He just gets an attitude and says, “No. What?” I tried to ignore it but a few second sin and I can tell I can’t, so I just tell him I’ll let him go and talk to him later and that was that.
The next day I we didn’t talk.
So, now Day Six and I text him that morning, “Did you get Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 yet?” (this is a video game we’ve both talked about, both enjoyed the first and talked about wanting this one and preordering if possible for a bonus character to play as).
He replies with, “why do you have to know all my business”?
Huh?
I bite my tongue and explain I was asking just to get his opinion, she what he thought of it. You know, ask a close brother rather than a stranger on a web site.
I thought it ended there, but my half brother Steven a little later made a comment that Michael had been upset with me for a bit now. I didn’t get that since as I said, I hadn’t really talked to him in almost a week. But okay.
So, I text my brother on my lunch break asking if he was upset with me. “Yeah, he’s sick of me being up his a** about everything.”
I asked about what?
“Every time a game comes out, or I get a game, or whatever, you always have to ask.”
At this point, I’m already ticked off and replay it’s called a conversation; I’m just talking to him. So he replied, “OMG! I knew you’d say some s**t like that! You wanna know how nosey you are!? You look at my achievements everyday! When I mention I get one a week later, you say ‘Yeah, I saw that’” (For clarification, Achievements on the Xbox360 are publically displayed “badges” for a game that gets displayed on your gamertag’s profile unless otherwise changed by the person). So I reply that firstly, I don’t even play my 360 every day (admit tingly a lot though) and yeah, I look not to “spy” or be “nosey” but just to see what my bro (and other friends, he wasn’t the only one!) have been up to. I look at it as a public update no different than statue on Facebook or MySpace). That in turn can spark further conversation, “Was that part hard? What’d you think about it, etc”
If as of now you’re noting that ONLY video games are being talked about, then you’re on the right track. He didn’t bring up anything BUT that and I tried. I don’t’ ask what else he’s been up to because he does NOT go out AT ALL (he can’t drive and never goes out with any “friends”), doesn’t date, doesn’t read, he ONLY plays xbox almost as much, if not more than me, watches movies or sits in front of his computer. So, there isn’t anything else to even talk to him about.
So I tell him, if he can’t handle people looking, then get the heck off Xbox Live and anything else that’s public view and he won’t have to worry about people seeing! He replies, “Fine, I’ll take you off my friend’s list, block everything from you and that’ll be the end of it!”
Now, Bryan got brought up by me, which I probably shouldn’t have, but I got sarcastic and said that he better make sure to get Bryan too because he’s looked at his achievements too! Michael said fine, was he starting to be like me too (which I’ll take as a compliment any day).
Now I was really mad because it wasn’t fair to do that to an 8 year old who loved to play with his Uncle (though again, I suppose I did that) and as a parent that’s what set me off. I told him he was being a complete jerk and stupid about everything over a video game question. He told me was didn’t have to explain anything to me, he was done with me and Bryan and told me “F**k you”
That’s the last text I got.
I tried to confront him today about it face to face (after 3 days of no talking to see if he’d calm down) but he just stayed locked in his room and I got into a semi heated debate/argument with my mother over it (though that’s all mellowed and we’re cool now, mother and I).
So yeah, that’s pretty much it. We’re done because I asked him if he got MAU2 after 4 days of not talking and that made me nosey.

You know, I’m going on 30. Hard to believe (harder to want to accept) and I hate how this family has fallen apart. I know, I have so many issues with my parents, my sister Christina, Michael… I don’t even know what to do. I believe in the ideal of family and that’s what drives me to keep trying with those who really aren’t good people for acting/being the way they are. If they were completely unrelated, I wouldn’t have a qualm about dropping them like a bad habit. But they aren’t. But family in this world has sunken so low and seems to mean nothing to people and I really really hate it. I never got to know any Cichetti’s in the family outside of my Aunt and grandparents. All because they had their wars since before I was born. And to this day it drives me nuts. Now I see it happening with my son’s generation in our family (I have a niece and nephew anyone hardly gets to see, my sister Tabitha is pregnant). I can see everyone growing so far apart that our kids are gonna have the same issues I did with not knowing anything about the Cichetti side of the family because everyone wants to be petty and I’m the only one willing to confront the issue.

With all these issues, plus relationship ones (just wanting the right person, etc), regretting things of the past as I begin reflecting on my life as I reach 30..my heart is really hurting. I want to cry. I feel the tears behind my eyes, but nothing comes out. It’s almost overbearing, I feel shortness of breath…
I want out, I want to scream, I want to run away, fly away and seclude myself somewhere…
It’s why the last “Walk In My World” entry ended with me resolving myself to stay in the Imzadi Zone. It’s why I stay at that part in my life, I retreat there. It’s a kind of sadistic Escape but it’s still calming compared to all this.
I feel lost.
I’m sorry if I overwhelmed or bored anyone, I needed this out. I’m gonna write a second entry with the more common stuff.

Emotional Undertone:	depressed
Musical Overlay:	Rob Thomas - Someday

So, this week has been pretty busy.
Bryan started school this past Tuesday (3rd grade). He’s doing well so far, keeping up with homework and paying attention, etc. I’m always proud of how he does. Short of asking him if he’s done it when I pick him up from Day Care/my mother’s or when I get home form work, there’s not much I gotta do.

Work has been okay. Boss seems to have come back around quite the bit from the last “tiff” I briefly mentioned, to which I’m glad.
The actual work itself has been both extremely slow and busy. Slow in the amount we have, but since the computer crashed when I was on vacation, the timing has been off on projected due dates and it isn’t nearly as long as it used to be. So I feel like we’re trying to rush just to keep up when that really isn’t the case.
Worker wise, we’ve lost yet another one. Kia, who had been 17 was pretty much an extreme idiot. I say extreme because she held not one stupid thing in. She couldn’t count, read a ruler, tell time and yet she’s a senior now in high school…
Anyone else see something wrong with that? (And no, I didn’t exaggerate any of that).
But we do have a new lady who started this week. She’s in her late forties/early fifteens (roughly) and can handle the simple things like actually doing the work! She’s pretty decent. I hope it works out.

As for me, well, I’ve been up to pretty much the same as always. Been feeling so tired lately though that I tend to go to bed earlier than I’m used to. I think all the work I’ve been pulling is wearing me out.
Now to break down the usual worlds…
Music: It’s been a while since I posted anything about music. I got me a copy of Rob Thomas’ latest album (Cradlesong). The hit form the album is “Her Diamonds” which is pretty good. I also like the songs “Someday” And “Fire on the Mountain”. I’m still going through the album and being that I like pretty much anything Rob/Matchbox Twenty has ever done, I can’t see not liking these new songs.
Reading has been going decent. I finished the first book of the Vulcan’s Soul trilogy (Exodus) and am working on book 2 now (Exiles). I love learning about Vulcan’s history while also getting more recent adventures of old friends and new characters. The history deals with ancient Vulcan, the formation of Logic as a culture due to Surak, the significance of “S” names in Vulcan, where certain Vulcan techniques originated from, etc. It’s really interesting.
After this trilogy, I’m not sure what I’m gonna read. I have so many that my books are piling up too fast!
Video gaming of course has taken up a good deal of time as well.
First, for those I haven’t told (and I think OCF is the only one I have), I managed to get 1000/1000 Achievement/Gamerscore for Superman Returns on the Xbox360. I got the game cheap ($10 new) so I can’t so I overpaid. The game has its problems but also has some shining moments. For $10 I can’t complain. I’m glad I picked it up and tried it, but I’ll never, EVER go looking for another kitten after that game… (don’t ask).
Also got, played and beaten Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Turtles In Time: Re-Shelled on Xbox360 form the Arcade downloads. I was hesitant on the game, but all in all, it’s done very well and lives up to the original very well. My only complaint is that the bosses don’t utilize the new axis available to them (being able to hit a player above or below them). You may ask why this is a problem. Well, it makes the game too easy. I got up to Shredder (final boss) before I even lost a life. As of right now, I have 11 of the 12 achievement for this game. I’ll get that last one someday!
Also worked on a nice amount of Call of Duty: World At War DLC (Map Pack 2 and 3). Specifically, the Nazi Zombie mode. That mode is addicting and each map pack got better than the previous when it came to Zombies. It’s really something one has to experience rather than talk about it. If you like shooters, try it.
Thanks to my good bud Tara, I've managed to get more Achievements in Street Fighter IV. I got all the ranked ones which I'm glad to have out of the way. In return I helped her get the same.
I also worked on a few more Achievements for Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe. Specifically, beating the arcade mode with all the characters and on the hardest setting without continuing. And an online one as well. I have to say, I really like a lot of the character endings they did. Very impressed. I wouldn't think the MK people would be that good with both sides but they were and really want some continuation of those endings!
After that, I’ve since been working on Oblivion. The game is pretty good (as most probably know by now. I know, I’m slow getting to it). I’ve got 190/1250 so far but its slow going. I’m currently working on the Mage’s Guild achievements and the Fighter’s Guild achievements as well as having a bunch of misc quests I need to finish. But its fun and I like the characters and stories so it’s all worth it.
Finally, there’s Batman: Arkham Asylum (Collector’s Edition) that I got Thursday from Amazon. I think the best comparison I’ve read is that it took every great about The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and made it that much more perfect with Batman. I can easily see the comparisons and that’s fine with me. The game looks great, plays great and sounds great. No complains so far, though I’ve only gotten to play it once (and my son already has more achievements in it than me!).

That’s about it for now. It’s late and I’m falling asleep! Night!

Emotional Undertone:

calm

From July 18th to July 24th, I essentially worked solo at work. The exceptions were on 2 nights I closed while training a new girl and one day worked while training her. The boss was on vacation so I was the only one there who knew the ins and outs and it was both fun and hectic. On any normal week, I’d have said the work had been extremely slow. More than enough work for 2 to 3 people plus a new girl to handle.
But, being as it was just me, 3 week days being 9am to 8pm, the other 2 being 9am to 4:30pm kept me going. Paperwork, taking orders, answering the phone, trying to get work done and train the new girl. It wasn’t easy. And since John, the older worker there doesn’t do anything on his nights/shifts, it was double the workload still.
It really ticked me off, but I managed and got everything up till his weekend shift done, so I was happy.

July 25th marked an awesome day of greatness! For this was the day of the Dunham! Jeff Dunham! For most of the day, my mother, step father, my brother Michael, sister Tabitha, her husband David and myself went to the Delaware state fair. We spent the day until about 7pm walking around looking at the horses first (not my fave thing but my mother and sister enjoy it), then splitting up later. My brother and I walked around the different rides and games, playing a few we got deals on and getting annoyed with a couple people at others (since when was insulting potential customers a way to get them to play your game??).
Once 7pm came around, it we decided to head to the outdoor stadium there for the reason we even came. Jeff Dunham! Yes, the ventriloquist who created Peanut, Achmed, Walter and more was performing that night and if you know me, you know I love his act! My brother is the one who got me hooked, so he was there for the same reason.
We were an hour early for the show (it started at 8pm) but that’s okay. There was a freelance performer there entertaining our side of the stadium and it was really funny. He just messed with people coming and going and we laughed our heads off at him too.
8pm came and the show started. It began with “Guitar Guy” (I forget his real name, but they introduce him as Guitar Guy as well) and I was pleasantly surprised that he was as talented with humor as he was with the guitar. Shortly after Jeff came out and the show was amazing. I was afraid the whole thing was gonna be a big rehash of his past acts from the DVDs, but he had a very good mix of old and new material (some of the old coming from previous shows, not just the DVDs that are out). I laughed my head off (as did everyone who was there) and it ended at about 10pm. A very well worth show for $50.

The work week that followed went okay. There was one small…tiff with the boss which really irked me at first, but I actually got over it real quick. Aside from that, Things were okay.

That actually brings us up to this past weekend.

Saturday was a blast despite me thinking it would be to the contrary. We had a huge family get together at the beach (Ocean City, Maryland). Everyone includes, me, my son Bryan, my brother, my 2 half brothers, my 2 sisters, my half sister, my mother, my step father, my niece and nephew, my Grandfather (mother’s side), my Uncle Bobby (mother’s side), and my half sister’s boyfriend (I know I know, but what can you do?).
The only reason I even went was because Uncle Bobby was there. I hadn’t seen him in 3 years, and before that it’d been a few years. And before that…I think I was…6 maybe? Yeah, everyone gets to see/talk to him but me, so I took advantage of it.
Now, this is a huge deal in the fact that I went at all. I hadn’t been to the beach with family (or at all) since middle school I think it was.
I had gotten an extremely bad case of sun poisoning. I was throwing up, couldn’t move for 2 days and my entire back and stomach were nothing but giant blotches of yellow poison seeping out. Yes, it was disgusting.
So, that was my last trip and I’d been turned off the beach and swimming in general ever since then. The weird part is perhaps that I’m not afraid of it happening again or anything. It’s just the appeal isn’t there. I shrug my shoulders and go “meh” anymore about it.
But, I went this year.
I thought I was just gonna sit there, read a book, listening to my ipod, text on my phone, etc. Something on the beach. I hadn’t planned on the water. But in spite of myself I actually ended up going in.
The waves were huge and coming in one right after the other so I kept finding myself getting pushed back. My younger half brother and my brother kept telling me to dive under the waves, but they weren’t understanding that half the fun was seeing if you could stand in one place or go over the waves in spite of their best effort.
All in all, it was a fun trip.
We left at about 4:15pm and headed back to our homes to rinse off and get cleaned up. Once we did, I packed up my Xbox 360, Guitar Hero: World Tour, and Rock Band 2 and went over to my mother’s for a cook out. After we ate (BBQ Burgers, hot dogs, pasta salad and sweet corn on the cob), we all played/ took turns on Rock Band 2. We ended up playing until 11pm in which time I thought it was time for me to go.
So yeah, I had a good day Sat.
Sunday was a much needed day to relax and take it easy as I was worn out from the previous day. I didn’t do much.

And that pretty much leads to now. Not a whole lot going on. Been trying to keep up with what I can game wise, but it’s slow going. Got the last of the Fallout 3 content. Been trying to go for more Achievements for Gears of War 2, but I hate the online in that game, so it’s been infuriating. But it’s going.
I guess that’s about it for now.
Later.

Emotional Undertone:

annoyed

There’s been a number of flop games based on the franchise. Perhaps the biggest being the original NES game. And ironically, it took the company that brought us that bad game to bring us this golden jewel.

Graphics (Xbox360): Graphically, this game looks amazing. When it came to the cinematic of this game, it was like watching a whole new movie. Even in game looked darn good and almost cinematic itself.
Every character looks exactly like who they are supposed to. Egon, Ray, Winston, Peter, Peck, Janine, Slimer, Stay Puft…The list goes on and on. But I want to point out some very special ones:
A.) the Proton Stream – I was worried how this might be pulled off. Again, previous game sin the franchise left it to be, well, hideous to dull. This game got it right and actually felt like a nice blend between the first and second move effects. To me, GB II beams looked a little fake when compared to GB 1, but the first movie wasn’t holding up quite as well to today’s time. This game balanced the 2 amazingly well. Also related would be the capture stream and this looked equally beautiful.
B.) The Ghost Trap – Specifically, how it looks when pulling a ghost in looks really amazing and I love how the ghost stretches out, just everything. I will note I’m a little disappointed with the fact that the ghost trap doesn’t have the wire and foot pedal to go with it. However being that equipment has been slightly updated from the movies (and continues through the course of the game), remote activated ghost traps didn’t seem at all out of character/uniform to me so it worked well in tangent with the gameplay.
C.) Slime – Specifically, when you or the veteran Ghostbusters are slimed or marshmellowed, it looks really good and I’m glad to see this was done well. The Slime Blowers look good too!
D.) Stay Puft – When he comes raising above the building’s side and screams at you, pissed. ‘Nuff said.
E.) Ghostbusters II – For anyone like me who was wondering where all the Ghostbusters II logo stuff would have gone, don’t worry. There’s a nice storage room in the back that has the GB II Firehouse sign, the doors from Ecto-1A and so forth. It was nice to see them there. Vigo the Carpathian is also in the game and interactable!
F.) Easter Eggs – There’s a nice number of them and are worth checking out. Real Ghostbusters PKE Meter, Extreme Ghostbusters ghost Trap, Slimer’s name origin story, a kid drawing to “Uncle Egon, From Ed” (which is a Freddy Vs. Ghostbusters/Return of the Ghostbusters fan film reference), and the End Game screen from the original NES GB game. Have fun finding them all.

Graphics (Wii): The Wii graphics worried me at first. I was worried they wouldn’t do the game justice. I’m very happy to say I was wrong. While it’s true the graphics sport a more cartoony feel, the story/dialogue actually manages to work with that which is something I wouldn’t have given much though about if I hadn’t played the 360 version as well.
The characters move fluidly and there are some amazing things to look at even in this rendition. Ecto-1B still looks good, as does the proton stream. The colors as well lend themselves to a more Real Ghostbusters feel. It’s interesting to note that some characters look nothing at all like their 360/Ps3 counterparts, but that’s okay.

Sound (xbox360): I don’t even know where to start with this.
The music is great and really captures the feel of the franchise. All of it comes form the movies which is a great plus. However, this can also be a downside too. The main theme in its entirety is not in the game. Also, because all the music came from the 2 movies only, there’s nothing original to here musically and that in a way was a let down to me. If Star wars can have some great music written for it in its games, then I think Ghostbusters could have pulle dit off too.
The sound effects were as equally brilliant as anything else you will run across. All the true and original sound effects are there, from the PKE Meter and Ecto 1 to the Proton stream and ghost traps. It’s perfect. Nothing more need be said.
The voice Acting. This requires special attention from me as I have some feelings I’ve yet to see anyone else mention. I’ll be the first to admit, when they announced the original movie cast coming back to voice their roles, I was giddy as a school kid. I couldn’t be happier. You have Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, Alyssa Milano and great returning supporters and other voice actors. It was set to be perfect. And while I’m happy with what I got, I’m afraid to say that perfect it wasn’t. And I really need to point out the whys.
A.) Alyssa – You’d think she’d have been better. I mean, she’s a great actor and you know she can do emotional acting if you’d ever seen her on Charmed. But when it comes to her performance her, she’s a little flat at times. It’s a little too over the top or just not convincing. Just a shame since I know she can do better.
B.) Bill Murray – Bill Bill Bill…where did you go wrong? Peter didn’t have one serious thing to say in the entire game. While this is certainly in part due to script reasons, Bill is known for adlibbing his fair share. But this characterization just felt so off to me. In either movie there were at least moments when Peter was serious. When it came down to the write, Peter was someone you could count on. And that wasn’t here either. I felt like Bill was too used to doing voice acting for Garfield and that’s why things came out like they did.
C.) William Atherton – If anyone was off more than Bill, it was the voice behind (and previous face of) Walter Peck. If anyone remembers the first movie (and you all should), Peck was a quiet, threatening man. He was smart, dangerous. He had political power. He had his way of manipulating the system. In short, you didn’t mess with Peck. In this game, he’s a joke. When I listen to him talk, I shudder because you can’t take him serious. He’s a nobody and actually seems to know it and acts it. He actually speaks the line, “…you cool guys!” while making a threat. Um, Peck wanted nothing but revenge on Peter and by association the Ghostbuters. Now they’re cool guys? The acting was good, but just all wrong for the character.
Everything else sounded right on, From Winston and Egon, to the Mayor and ghosts.
D.) Easter Eggs – Yes, there are some. There’s an Indiana Jones reference on the answering machine, and Vigo makes a President Bush and OJ Simpson reference.
Very satisfied.

Sound (Wii): There’s not much to say about the music and sound effects that I didn’t say about the 360/Ps3 counterpart, so I won’t go into that. My gripes about certain characters remain in place as well, but I want to expand on that here.
While the overall characterizations seemed off, the Wii did a much better job at balancing it and making it work than the 360/Ps3 versions. I believe this is strongly due to the cartoony, Real Ghostbuster look to the game. It actually plays with the constant stream of Peter jokes and how Peck is portrayed. Interesting to note as well is that there’s a lot of unique dialogue to this version of that game that adds to the story. There’s even certain lines that, while said by one character, is actually spoke by another in this game which seems to balance things out as well.
I guess all I want to say is that what seems out of place in one version isn’t always wrong. Just needs a different perspective.

Gameplay (Xbox 360): this is perhaps the biggest thing of all to fear with this franchise. The problem for so long seemed how to pull off the feel of a Ghostbusters game. When the commodore 64, or NES versions of these games came out, first and third person shooters weren’t around (or weren’t really worth mentioning) back then. And even now with the shooters we have today, I didn’t quite picture Ghostbusters as a shooter.
But this game changed my mind. This game did everything right while keeping it a true Third Person Shooter (TPS). From how the capture/proton streams work, to the slime blowers, ghost traps and the other weapons, I couldn’t help but feel right at ease like I was really a ghostbuster.
There were some really beautiful touches too, like struggling to get a ghost into the trap. I loved how this was done, how you had to pull sometimes back and forth to keep the ghost in line, or slamming him around.
The PKE Meter was used beautifully as well. Not only as a “spectral compass” but also really neat in how it served as a treasure sniffer type device and a way of “scanning ghosts”. They made the tool important and relevant and that’s what I liked.
I also want to state that I love how health bars, overheat bars, etc are all kept form clogging the screen by being a part of your equipment, small, unobtrusive, but easy to read. Very very well done.

Gameplay (Wii): Being on the Wii, the system lends itself to some unique gameplay. Of note was throwing out a ghost Trap. This was done pretty neat and made you feel like you really had to throw one out. Slamming a ghost to weaken him was a nice touch in this game as well. While a simple trigger in the 360/Ps3 versions, you actually have to slam the Wiimote in different directions to weaken the ghost and it gives the game a much more interactive feel.
However, I think the downside to the wiimote is that it made getting a ghost to the trap a little broken. Because the cursor moved on the screen with the Wiimote to aim the weapons, I didn’t have any real sense of control on where to move the ghost to get him to the trap. The ghost kind of just comes to you and then you can semi move him around. It works but it’s a little awkward.
But that’s the only downside! Overall the game plays nice.
Also want to make note that I like the interactive copy of Tobin’s Spirit Guide that’s downstairs in this game as apposed to the simple menu to read through on the Next Gen consoles. Nice to see something get one-upped by the Wii!

Storyline: This is where I think the game shines brightest. The storyline manages to tie in both movies while still keeping you in suspense as to what’s really going on. The main villain isn’t at all who I was expecting and I was glad for that. I love the rich background information you get throughout the game as well on the main villain and these were things I was missing in other games and even other Ghostbusters related items (cartoons, book, etc).
I can’t say too much without spoiling the game.

Multiplayer (Xbox360): The online is a nice mix of short to average bouts online with up to four other players. You have your choice of Ranked or Player matches, doing just specific job related bouts (Slime Dunk, Protection, Survival, etc) or campaigns, which gives you 3 random jobs in related locations. I think these are really nice for those who are limited on time or not one for long extended online play.
With the ranked system, you get to Rank up (which gives you a different uniform to wear every couple ranks) and a new title.
However, there are downsides to this.
First, there’s no online co-op with the story campaign and I think that’s perhaps the biggest oversight in the entire game. This game would have been great had they introduced that option.
The second let down is that you can’t choose between the uniforms you unlike during ranking up online. There are some really nice look’n jumpers I’d like to go back to, but I can’t. That seems kind of pointless to me. Yeah, I get to unlock a jumper, but they relock as soon as I change clothes. Uhg.

Multiplayer (Wii): Haven’t played it yet, can’t say.

Overall, I don’t have much to complain about on this game. I love almost everything about it and I can see it being a game I play online and story wise for a good time to come. For anyone who is a fan, I definitely recommend this game.

Emotional Undertone:

very tired

Work itself has gotten pretty slow. I’m not sure how I’ve lucked out to make decent commission to keep my pay checks about even, but I’ve done it and I thank God for it each time.
I’m hoping things pick up though. It’d be nice. Keep me a little more busy and making a bit more money.
On an interesting note: a co-worker quit/was going to be fired.
His name is Eric (though not the first Eric to work in the back). He’s a decent enough guy, but he’s never happy with life. And he gets frustrated over it and just has an attitude about him. He doesn’t take it out on anyone specific, but it was bad enough today that it really put me and Elaine on edge. She finally had enough and said, “Do you need to go home, cause your attitude sucks today”. And it was true. She told him it wasn’t acceptable to be slamming things around or to be that way because of how it affects us. And he actually went home. I was silently thinking, don’t do it man. You need the job and if you leave on your night to work it’ll really hurt how you’re viewed. No such luck. I hate seeing people throw their credibility out the window, along with any ethics or moral values, but every person has to choose their own path. His is that of a drifter. I know it.
When Wednesday came, was supposed to show up but never did. Which, is just as well as they were gonna fire him that morning. The downside is he can’t draw unemployment now, but oh well. That’s his problem I suppose.
I know what’s been driving all of this, but being that this is my journal and not his, I don’t feel I need to go into his whole life story here. While I understand why he wants what he does, the logic and reality behind it doesn’t work. And he needs to find that out on his own.
*sigh* I hate it…

As for reading, I finished Star Trek: A Singular Destiny. I really enjoyed the story and was somewhat surprised when the overall main plot; the story aspect that was being pieced together by a bunch of seemingly random story elements finally came together and never got resolved. You learned just enough to understand there’s a bigger picture of what’s happening and it ends pretty much there so other books can then pick up on the different threads. It was both satisfactory to know Trek books are coming together this way and also a bit disappointing to not have that self encompassing closure Trek for the longest time was known for.
It was good to see new characters come to the front, but also little mentions and cameos of the bigger picture come into play. Admiral McCoy has scenes, there was a letter to Captain Scott. Captain Ezri Dax and her ship were the biggest mains in the story but took somewhat of a backseat to a new character, which was really well done.
I’m now reading Star Trek: Vulcan’s Soul which is actually a 3-in-1 book that I got from the SciFi Book Club containing the books Exodus, Exiles and Epiphany. The book revolves around Spock with some great supporting characters form trek such as Admiral Chekov, Admiral Uhura and even Data. I’m only a little ways into the first book, but it’s great so far.
I know I’ve been reading a lot of Trek lately. I was actually gonna start Star Wars: Coruscant Nights II, but I dunno. Part of me wanted more Trek. So, here I am. I’m thinking I’ll read Halo: Contact Harvest next.

In the video game world things are going decent. I’m still in the middle of playing Tales of Vesperia which has just been an awesome game all the way through though I’m mad I missed a chance to get an Achievement on the first playthrough (and hence a title, which leads to another Achievement). But oh well, the storyline is really good and they’re all characters I really enjoy.
I might actually finish this RPG which I think sadly would be my first console RPG completed since the SNES’ Secret of Mana.
I managed to get my copies of Ghostbusters for both the Wii and Xbox360. The 360 version was a preorder at Gamestop and so I got an exclusive (and really nice t-shirt) as well as an ingame exclusive Ghostbusters II flight jacket. Very nice.
I have since beaten the 360 version several times and have all but 4 Achievements I believe, so I’m happy with that.
I got the Wii version from Amazon. Specifically, the Slimer Edition. I didn’t get the set of 4 ghost minis that originals came with it, but that’s okay, they were a little underwhelming to me anyways. And, I got a price drop due to it as well. The Slimer Statue (limited to 6500 total) is simply amazing and I love it. It also came with a sounds Ecot-1B keychain which was really cool too. And Decals for your console. Overall, well worth the price.
As for the game itself, the gameplay is pretty cool. I like it. I’m still not totally keen on the cartoony aspect of game, but since the dialogue is different in parts as is the story (each version of the game adds something more to the overall story), it does admittingly fit as this is almost a Real Ghostbusters take on the story. I haven’t beaten it yet, but I hope to over this 3 day weekend of mine. I'll post a review of these games in yet another entry as it would make this one too long.
I also purchased 2 Arcade games off of Xbox Live. Magic: The Gathering: Duels of the Planeswalkers, Wolfenstein 3-D and Worms 2: Armageddon. All 3 are great plays. Magic was a n ice nostalgic throwback to my TCG/CCG days. Wolfenstein, the original Wolfenstein is a great flashback to the start of my computer gaming days and I felt so happy going through that first level all over again. And Worms 2 is a Worms game. What more need to be said!?

I think that about sums it up for everything. I can’t believe I went this long in a second entry today. I should be good for a solid year after this!

Emotional Undertone:

tired

It feels like I’m a dam on the brink of breaking. And I realize writing is an outlet for more than just glimmering talent. But it’s an outlet for, well…me! When I hand write, I feel so much more involved. I feel invested and in turn, entries and my other writings feel that much more personal.
Maybe that’s the true difference between something written and something typed. When I cry about what I type, who’s to know unless I say? What’s to show for it? But tear stained paper? That says more than words.
So then, now that my tangent is done, what is it I need to express? What’s the point to my entry?
I dunno.
Everything?
Nothing?

I’ve mentioned the girl I’ve been dating, Markie. I haven’t gone into a whole lot about her. Partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything. Part was because I was afraid what others might comment.
And neither one of those are warranted or excuse enough on my part.
This journal isn’t about communing with friends. It’s not about biased portrayals of myself or lengthy meaningless rants. It’s about me. It’s about being completely honest about me to me. That’s the key. Honest with myself. Be it good or bad. And I’m failing. That simply won’t do.

Markie and I are officially together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m happy about it as it’s been a good build up to it.
But it’s been such a rough ride to here that more than once I have asked myself if it’s right. Or even acceptable. The whole thing is such a blur and whirlwind at this point that I’m not even sure where to start with this.
There are days I feel like things are going well between us. And they do. Then there’s days where I think things are going well, only to have her tear down those conceptions.
We seem to fight a lot over dumb stuff, and half of what she calls fights, I call just conversing with a difference of opinion. And for a good while she was keeping me at a distance despite me wanting to be closer to her.
Even just writing what little I have, I feel so overwhelmed and unwanting to finish. But I’m gonna try and get something of substance here.
It’s hard for me to explain what it is about her I care about and like so much. If I were to make a list of pros and cons, so much would be cons! She’s almost nothing of the girl I’ve wanted to get.
But I can’t help what I feel. And there are some surprising things about her that have really made me smile and take note. Some things that balance out parts of me, or my life that I hadn’t given thought about. And I treasure those.
In essence, I feel like there are those days she makes me smile so much, and then days I want to do nothing but cry and scream from the hurt. And I’m not really sure how to balance it.
Things have started getting better since we’ve had some talks about things, but I’m still worried. I wish I could write more here, but I feel like I shouldn’t be mentioning them unless something should go wrong, or things become a deeper concern.
She really is a good person. Of that I’ve no doubt. But sometimes I feel like she doesn’t think before she says something, she overreacts, and well, for someone studying psychology, she sucks at understanding people…
So I guess there’s something for substance…
None of that made sense, did it?

I suppose I can be thankful that there’s one person who can read this and know what I’m talking about. She’s been a real help to me lately and was at a time I wasn’t sure who to talk to, so I owe Leah a huge thanks. She’s not only provided a friendly ear, but she’s been making me laugh more than I probably should at work (after all, it draws attention to me and since no one else knows why I’m laughing, they begin to think I’m crazy!).
I’m really glad I befriended her again.
In fact, I had a dream last night actually with her in it. It was blurring a line that I’ve distinctly mad and while I won’t mention the details that cross it, I can relay the general gist. It was taking place in my home. And while the layout was modified and different, the feel of it was supposed to have been my home in New Jersey. I don’t know why, but hey, I didn’t write it.
Well, I guess I did…
But not consciously…
Anyways, she was spending the night (visiting as a friend) and we fell asleep together (she was just lying next to me; don’t mean we planned to go to bed together or anything).
She eventually woke up; having been talking in her sleep about some things (random I believe) and I woke up with her, mostly from the moving. She started getting ready to leave, crying. Somehow I k new what the problem was and I asked her not to go. I didn’t want her to. But, she had to get back home. We parted company and both of us were upset.
The dream ended pretty much there, but the overall theme was that she’s been such a good listening friend lately that I think we’ve grown very close, very fast as friends and the dream reflects that. So, it was a good sad dream I was happy to have!
The rest of the details are mine alone!!

Things are really a whirlwind for me. Once again I even find I have to break a long entry in two for the sake of LiveJournal to handle. I hate doing that, but then as I read back on this entry, maybe this one should be standalone.
Perhaps that’s the one upside to online versus a handwritten entry. The handwritten entry is simply done when I finish writing. There isn’t categorization, or ways to group things for the sake of topic. Things simply flow.
With online, I can spare someone reading from something that’s conflicting in emotion to how boring work may be. Ease someone a needless jolt.

So, I’ll end this hear and get onto the rest in another entry.

Emotional Undertone:

Overflowing

So, what to mention that wasn’t in my last entry. Well, I guess that would bring me to video games.
My first Xbox died since my last real big entry on 4/30. I was sad, having tried everything I could to check it before I gave up on it. Sadly, it’s done. In all honesty, I’m pretty sure it’s just the Cd-Rom itself that went bad which is an easy fix. However, I’ve had the things for what? 4 Years? The warranty is certainly no good on it. So, I replaced it that day. It took 2 hours to restore all the licenses to the system, but it’s done and out of the way. I still have the old system since my dad knows how to replace the Roms without a problem. Assuming that is the problem when he takes it apart, then at least I’ll have a backup when/if this new one goes.
The last game I made mention of currently playing was Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End in which I am proud to say I beat in a week and have all 1000/1000 Achievements.
I bought and downloaded a few Arcade games as well on the 360. Wolfenstien 3D, Final Fantasy: Crystal Defenders, and Star Trek: D-A-C. Star Trek was an easy 200/200 which I got in a day. FF:CD is a tough game and I don’t think I’ll be getting all the Achievements anytime soon. But it’s fun! And Wolfenstein…had to get it! It’s a classic! First ever FPS!
When I played it for the first time on the 360, it immediately brought back all these memories. Being so impressed with the graphics at the time. And it definitely was the first game in which I think sound cards became very important to. This was the game that drove my dad to get a sound card (which in turn reminds me how Sound Blasters were the sound cards to get) and we hooked up these 10” speakers to the computer. We were so in awe with the sound and graphics, the music, everything. Could never get enough of the game!
Surprisingly, the game is still as fun as it was back then. A little more so since now I don’t have to worry about walking so slow as the Left trigger lets me run as super speed. And auto Aim for the win!
Also in this time, I’ve since completed additional Fable II DLC which brings the new achievement total to 1350 for the game. I really liked the new content as it brought back a town from the first game…sort of (play the add-on!)
I also managed to get and beat Dead Space in this time. Loved it. The story was pretty decent and I thought the gameplay was interesting. Yes, it’s a FPS game, and while you can play like a traditional FPS, you’ll find it a lot easier to play how they want you to.
How’s that?
Well, when shooting enemies, the goal shouldn’t be simply killing them, but actually taking out their limbs. By doing this, you eliminate their means of attacking you and it makes them easier targets as well.
The game seemed very well thought out, very very well done graphics and music. I managed to get all but 3 of the achievements first play through (which is okay since you couldn’t get them all anyways on the first play through.) The game is cheap now so I definitely recommend this one.
Now I’m playing through Tales of Vesperia. I really like the story and gameplay and cant’ wait to see how the story goes. Everytime I think I have something figured out, I find out I’m wrong. Which is good! The thing I don’t like is this game will take several play throughs to get all the Achievements. Being that this is an RPG, each play through is gonna take forever and that I don’t like. Oh well, I probably won’t get them all, but I want at least half.
I don’t want to make this a video game only entry but I want to mention E3 this year. Thanks to E3, the nice, slow and steady year I thought I was gonna have with video game no longer exists. Commence crying and yearning!

Perhaps the deepest thing to talk about is how things are going with the girl I’ve been talking to, Markie. Things seem to have their ups and downs with us. It seems one minute we fight, the next we’re great. We still have no official title between us and that’s okay. I’m happy to take things nice and slow.
While I could go into a lot of small details here, it’s getting late and I really don’t have time. I will mention she played Halo 3 this evening to try and work up to playing with me, and probably Bryan and other’s online as well. That made me very very happy, more than I expressed to her. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up on it either so we’ll see how long this goes for.
All in all, despite the ups and downs, I think things are going darn well.

I guess that’s about it for now. At least on this time constraint. I know I haven’t really been talkative or around much for friends and I am sorry for that. I hope things can turn around soon with that.

Emotional Undertone:

calm

So I guess I can get work out of the way.
Work is work.
I mean, it’s going okay, and not much has changed. Elaine (boss) did piss me off yesterday, but I got over it. And it doesn’t happen a lot. Infact, I don’t remember the last time it happened. Essentially, this is what happened:
I was with a customer, so was Elaine. My customer was one Elaine had worked with before and even gave quotes to. She asked if there were any coupons or sales out. I told her there was one supposedly out for 25% off the molding, but it was in the mail, I had none to give nor would I since it wasn’t a normal in store flyer. In short, I’m telling her to go get one, but I can’t help her.
The customer Elaine is dealing with hears me and knows the owner is in the store (upfront) and says he would go ask him for one. My lady follows. Now, Elaine is annoyed because it interrupted her deal that she was closing.
Mr. Milligan (owner) calls back to the frame shop and says he’d get them both coupons. The customer’s are happy. I finish with mine, Elaine finishes with hers. They leave and she then whirls on me and starts yelling at me, verbally attacking me that she’s just not gonna care anymore, we’re costing her/store money, etc. Essentially blaming me for what happened as if it were wrong or even in my control what others do.
If this wasn’t bad enough, I felt horrible the rest of the day as if I really did do something wrong. I apologized more than once as if I was totally at fault because I hate when people I like are mad with me.
And to top it all off, I felt pissed with myself because I shouldn’t have felt that way. I wasn’t at fault. I did nothing wrong. If anything, I deserved the apology. But nope, not how it played out.
*takes a deep breath*
I’m better now….

Aside from that, things haven’t been too bad. I’ve had time to really do some reading.
I finished reading Star Wars: Clone Wars: No Prisoners which was a great Obi-Wan and Bail Organa story which dove quite deep into their characters and answered a lot of questions I was having about Jedi and characters at the time.
I also finished the Star Trek: Destiny trilogy. The trilogy was exceptional and deals with the Borg, both in a final fate and origins. The characters were well done and we had crossovers from every Trek series (yes, Enterprise too). Definitely worth the read if you like Star Trek. Right now, I’m currently reading Star Trek: A Singular Destiny in which immediately takes place after the Destiny trilogy and the fallout that resulted from it. Other than Captain Ezri Dax and her starship crew, there are no mains (though Admiral McCoy got a nice little nod) and it’s a refreshing change really. All new characters and I’m enjoying them all really. Can’t wait to see how things shape up.
I think the only thing I’m not liking is that Voyager is a dead franchise as of these books (and yes, books are canon now as of all series relaunches). Janeway and Belanna (spelling?) are dead, Seven is completely human (no Borg parts remain), Chekotay, Tom and Kim are on Voyager (which as of now is barely salvageable, and Chekotay is in critical condition) and there hasn’t been any mention of the Doc. Tuvok serves on the Titan under Captain Riker and poor Tom doesn’t even have his daughter anymore (Belanna took her to fulfill her legacy and I didn’t get to read all that unfortunately. I think that was in a different book).
So in short, there’s no more Voyager.
Jerks.
Still, I’m enjoying this, but I’m hoping the Federation can have some peace and get back to what Trek was all about; peaceful exploration.

And right now, that’s as much as I can go into since I’m so tired and need to get to bed. I will try and post another entry tomorrow night dealing with Video games and even update on the girl I’ve been talking to.

Till then, later!

Emotional Undertone:	tired
Musical Overlay:	Evanescence - My Immortal

*Takes a deep breath* Okay, now that I’ve finished my rant, I think I can end this entry.

Emotional Undertone:	aggravated
Musical Overlay:	Nickelback - Far Away

Let’s get the more prominent/sadder things out of the way first. Adelle and I’s divorce is pretty much filed. Terms have been agreed to and signed and she should be out of the home next year (Feb/March; just as soon as the car is finished being paid off).
It was happening, we all knew it. It was just a matter of timing. I don’t like thinking about it, but on the one hand, I’m actually somewhat…happy about it (I’m not sure how that comes across).
I thought I’d be sadder than I am, and part of me is. But on the other hand, I’m just glad I’ll be able to move on with my life. I am keeping the home we’re at now (after having sat down to figure out my income and what was needed to stay here). So I’m definitely happy about that as I didn’t like the idea of moving yet again. I’ve grown comfortable here and knowing my sister Tabitha is just around the literal corner is actually a cool thought since I can stop by whenever (provided she’s not at her second home…I mean, our mother’s).
We haven’t told Bryan yet. We were going to do it a month or so before the move out happened, but now I’ve been thinking of telling him sooner. I don’t know what the point of doing so would be, but the thought is there. I don’t know…

Okay, let’s move onto work (I don’t want to dwell on the negative more than I have to). That’s what’s taking up most of my time anyways. John (the older guy no one liked) is pretty much weeded out. That means a lot more hours. I work more nights now. Which is both good and bad. It’s bad that it’s less time at home, but the positives are that I make more money, and it’s some down time to get more reading in, which I hardly do at home anymore.
Business wise, work has been a mixed bag. We’ll have a couple days where things go pretty well, but then it just dies off like nothing you’ve ever seen and there’s no work to do. I’ve been very lucky (and thankful to God!) that even on some of the quick orders, things have been pricey enough that I do good on my commissions. (For example: someone bought 4 sheets of 16 x 20 museum glass. That’s about $79 per sheet. That was over a $300 dollar order and it took a few minutes to cut it down for her. Can’t argue with that right? I had another lady spend nearly $450 on shrink wrapping her stuff!)
So, considering all that, I can’t complain. I’m lucky to have a job at all, let alone one that’s still paying decent.

I don’t get online as long as I used to but I still am on. I don’t get on until about 10:30pm eastern usually, so if you don’t see me; that’s why.
However, when I do get on, there’s a good reason. The person I mentioned an entry or so before that I was talking to (but didn’t like Star Wars). She’s become a nice little bit of my life and we talk every day. Text messages on the phone and IMing at night. We really like each other but we’re not dating. I think we’re both real cautions of the situation in general being she lives in New York and I’m in Maryland. It’d be hard to maintain.
I’ve found a good number of pros and cons with being with her and I haven’t quite gotten them all worked out and weighed.
My biggest con is she doesn’t believe in God (but she’s very respectful that I do). I would have preferred someone who did, but that’s just not as easy as people think it is for me to find. She’s not huge into video games, but I think she mentioned once wanting to try some. So that’s a good thing. Basically, I struck out on my 3 main wants, which you’d have thought would have put me off there, but it oddly didn’t.
However, she always manages to surprise me and it’s in a good way. Like when she told me she really liked me (I hadn’t expected it at all). And there was one time she asked what I was doing and told her xbox with my son. She made the comment if we were together we wouldn’t be doing that all day. At first, I was kinda annoyed because I was thinking, “Who is she to tell me what I was to do?” But then she followed up before I said anything with, “we’d be out playing Laser Tag”.
And I had to stop and think about that for a second. And I smiled at that. That was actually a good thing. It’d be something Bryan would like, I know I’d have fun, and it’d be a sort of “family” activity that got us out of the house.
That’s certainly a healthier outlook then yes, playing video games. So I saw/see this is a way to better myself and my son. She makes me smile a lot with just simple messages of “how are you?” or “what are you doing?”
She reminds me a lot of me emotionally, but she expresses it more like my brother Michael which isn’t the best way and is opposite of me. So, that’s something we’ll have to deal with at a later time.
Overall though I’m glad I met her and its even gone this far as I never intended anything to come of talking to her the one night. I never thought I’d see her again but we’ve talked every day/night since.
Oh, and her name is Markie. I suppose I should mention that!

The reading front has picked up a little. I finished Gears of War: Aspho Fields by Karen Traviss. I greatly enjoyed it and it did an amazing job of filling in gaps between the 2 games. But this is Karen Traviss. There wasn’t any way it wasn’t going to be good. I sincerely hope she writes another.
After that, I read Star Wars: Millennium Falcon. I really enjoyed this book. It picked up 2 years after Legacy of the Jedi did and I thought it did decent of covering reactions to some of those events, while also maintaining so fun light heartedness about everything. It was just a fun romp to learn the Falcon’s past and I’m glad we got to take the ride. The book ended with a great lead into Fate of the Jedi: Outcast.
I also read Star Wars: Rebel Forces: Target and Star Wars: Rebel Forces: Renegade. They are the first 2 books in the new young reader series from scholastic (along the lines of Jedi apprentice, Jedi Quest, and Last of the Jedi). But unlike the previous, these aren’t written by Jude Watson (supposedly) and are written a lot better, with more detail and the storylines I am enjoying quite a lot. I would love some adult novels with these kind of stories, especially Renegade. They’ve already tied together the young reader series (Ferus Olin made a great appearance in Renegade) and even tied great with Obi-Wan’s Force Ghost, Yoda on Dagobah and why he didn’t always talk to Luke. I can’t wait for the third.
Finished Star Wars: Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor novel shortly aftewrwards. That was a really good book, bringing back a character I hadn’t expected but was very pleased to see.
I’m almost done reading Star Wars: Clone Wars: Wild Space by Karen Miller. This has been a really interesting book tying a lot into not only with the expanded universe books, but tying together the new animated show and really developing a rich history of events, great characterizations and bringing up issues we’ve all had but never saw much addressed.
The new Fate of the Jedi series (9 hardcover book series) which picks up 2 years after Legacy of the Jedi (and immediately after Millennium Falcon I believe) starts with the book, Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi: Outcast. I own the book, but like I did with Legacy of the Jedi, I’m waiting until all the books are out before I start the series. I can’t wait though.
I also bought a few other books I need to get to. They are:

Star Wars: Coruscant Nights II: Street of Shadows
Star Wars: Coruscant Nights III: Patterns of Force
Star Trek: Destiny: Gods of Night
Star Trek: Destiny: Mere Mortals
Star Trek: Destiny: Lost Souls
Star Trek: A Singular Destiny
Mass Effect: Ascension
Halo: Contact Harvest
Halo: The Cole Protocol

I’m not even sure which one I’ll start next. I’m thinking Trek as it’ll be a change of pace. I don’t get to read Trek as much as I used to because more and more I’m just not impressed with what they come out with story topic wise.

The gaming front…I might have to find a way to shorten this, because it could easily be 3 times as long as the books and I’m sure you all feel that was more than long enough. But, then, I have a rant I want to go into here. But first, onto what I’ve accomplished that amounts to anything worthwhile.
I managed to beat and get all 1000/1000 achievements for Destroy All Humans: Path of the Furon for the xbox360. I borrowed this from my brother, so I don’t own it. It was a decent enough game. Just a fun romp that definitely made me laugh. Was worth the one play through.
I managed to get a hold of a copy of Dark Sector for the 360 as well for under $18. Definitely can’t argue that for most any game. I beat this one just this past weekend and you know what? I think this was a very underrated game. I only have 675/1000 achievements for this, but I’m working on it. The gameplay was pretty smooth, I didn’t find really any glitches, the graphics are dang nice... Perhaps the only thing that could have used a little more work was the storyline. And while it certainly wasn’t bad by any means, I felt there was more history with some of the characters and events than we were given information about and I would have liked knowing more. You know, flesh it out some? But hey, for $18, I’m not complaining. This is worth checking out if you can find it cheap. I’d have spent $30 on it.
Also got Street Fighter IV not too long ago. I am not doing too bad, but by no means great. It’s a mixed bag for me really. While it brings back great nostalgia from my days playing Street Fighter II and Super Street Fighter II Turbo (both on the SNES), it also has more cheese and just overall poor hit detection than anything I’ve every played. But I’m also addicted to it, so who knows. I won’t get all the achievements; that much I’m sure of. I only have 260/1000. Ah well.
I beat F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origins with 735/1000 Achievements and I beat Halo Wars with 665/1000. Both were a lot of fun and I can see getting more use out of them definitely.
Now I’m currently played between a couple games. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (which is my son’s) and The Incredible Hulk. They’re good for casual plays. Pirates isn’t bad per say. But I can see that once I’m done with it (only tried it for achievements honestly) I won’t go back to it. I’m glad I id try it through since it’s a neat quick game. Hulk isn’t bad either. OCF™ said it best when he said it was another Spider-Man game only with the Hulk. It plays very similar to them indeed. But it’s still fun. What other game lets you beat people by throwing giant tacos, donuts and ice cream cones at them and reward you for it? The achievements for Hulk are kinda meh. Some I won’t be getting.
Also been playing Left 4 Dead on the 360 with my son and my brothers Michael and Brandon. It’s not a bad game, but I’m a little under impressed form how people seemed to swarm to this game. I enjoy it more playing with my bros then playing single player, so maybe that’s how the game is intended. It’s not bad and I have a decent number of the achievements, but I’m by no means done.
As you can see, there’s no mention of Fallout 3 here. Last time I mentioned it, I was well into my play time with the game. However, I spent so much time on it with little progression as far as completion goes that I feel like I burned out on it. Its fun and a great story, but I needed a break. I’ve kept up with the DLC for it and will go back though.

I have a rant I'll post next!

Emotional Undertone:	happy
Musical Overlay:	Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody

So what have I been doing all this time? What magnificent things have I accomplished or done that would justify all this time “away”?
Pfft, nothing.
Even now, I’m sitting here listening to Ace of Base (random songs between all their stuff), taking in the sense of nostalgia the music inflicts, wondering where the time has gone and what all has been done.

Work itself has been going good. It’s been steady and I even got a raise, which made me happy. Especially since it was unexpected. I’m very thankful for simply having a job and this added to it well, now I give double the thanks! Work has also become more interesting since I’ve since learned now how to cut and join frames, making me more diverse. And it’s a lot of fun. I’m always looking for something that needs cutting down or joining just to play with the machines!
The downside, recently anyways is that I jabbed my thumb pretty deep with a sharp jagged piece of glass when I was breaking it down in the glass trash can. Hurts like heck and was a nice bit of blood despite the cut wasn’t very wide. Just deep. Oh well, occupational hazard. And then about 3 days later slice open my other thumb with a sheet of glass. Yub, I’m on a roll.
Perhaps the best thing about work is I’ve brought in a spare set of computer speakers I have and my iPod and have been jamming at work to it. It definitely makes the days easier and faster.

Reading has been very very slow. Mostly because I was doing my reading during closing nights at work and since work had picked up for a good while, there’s been no time to read. But things might be slowing down again and I’m somewhat 50/50 on how it affects me. It’s a little bit less money, but it’s more time to read again!
In the world of reading, I don’t recall if I mentioned or not for those who don’t check my Facebook, but I did finish reading Standing For Something by Gordon B. Hinckley. The book was an amazing read and well worth the time. It was thought provoking, heart felt and really very inspirational. I have a more fully typed out throught/review of it on my Facebook. I really encourage people to read it.
Now, I’m reading Gears of War: Aspho Fields by Karen Traviss and it’s a great read. It does an amazing job of bridging the gap between the 2 games and really goes a long way to answer most questions, and even providing insight on things not asked. I can’t wait to finish this.

Gaming has been more intense since I’ve been avoiding online more. Been playing a LOT of Fallout 3, as well as a good amount of Spider-Man: Web of Shadows (which I am proud to announce I have ALL Achievements for now). Tried out my copy of F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origins as well and really enjoyed that. It’ll be nice to go back to that. I have Halo Wars (Limited Edition) as of today and I played a few rounds of that, got a few Achievements. Very good. Loved it, but something tells me I’m not gonna play for long sitting son that game. I don’t know why. I also tried the Halo 3 Mythic Map Pack it came with for download and I liked those from what little I played of them. Basically, I got a ton of games to play so I’ve been doing more of that.

In my personal life, the personal world of me away from games, books, and work, things have been…crazy? I’m not sure the right word. Maybe its more than one word. I’ll let everyone else be the judge.
I mentioned back on 12/6 that I had 2 girl interests going. One I never stopped liking, but the issue resolved itself when she was fired for her poor work ethics (things wet downhill for a while after my last entry till they got fed up with it and let her go). The other isn’t really a concern anymore since I don’t really talk to her much anymore. We kind of just fell away and with my leave of semi-absence, it just finished things.
But that isn’t to say I’m without interests. There’s another girl I’ve been talking to for a month or so and she’s extremely wonderful in a lot of ways. I really like her and I get the impression she likes me too, but neither is saying because of situations and because things need to develop first. I met her in the AIM chat too and we have some good common grounds, but then she hates Star Wars, so who knows if it’ll work *laughs out loud*.

Things with Adelle have nearly reached their pique. I have the housing papers I need to file. I just gotta fill them out. Part of my hesitation, as I’ve mentioned prior, is I hate thinking about it, so I shut it out and ignore it. This of course, isn’t healthy or good in any way and only ends up making the situation worse.
I think the other reason is that I’m just scared of being on my own. I’m not used to dealing with half the things I know I will have to and it can be a very overwhelming thought.
And then of course, there’s the money in general that worries me. Can I keep afloat? And the selfish aspects of, ”How can I afford my books or games doing this?” I hate thinking like that but I do.
And then lastly, I just fear being alone.

I guess that’s really it for now. I know it’s not as in depth as some would have thought, myself included, but it’s something more than I usually do so that’s a good thing. I hope I won’t be as long in updating anymore as I think there’s stuff I want to say/talk about and just couldn’t get it out here this time.

Emotional Undertone:	tired/contemplative/depressed
Musical Overlay:	random Ace Of Base

So work has been going pretty steady. Work is busy, which is really good financial wise. But it also makes getting any work done difficult since it’s really just me and Elaine (John does absolutely nothing and the part timer is just that, part time AND still learning). So far, we’re ahead, but I fear come this weekend, we’ll be set back. I’m dreading it, but we’ll see. Still, I’ve been very thankful to get the hours I have been and the income I have from it. Even got a $100 Christmas bonus on my check. Niiiice.

As far as gaming goes, I haven’t done a whole lot really. I mean, nothing new anyways. I’ve completed all Achievements for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, including the ones that were new to the DLC Jedi Temple level. I felt very accomplished for that as well as beating the game on Sith Master. Go Me!
I also got Fallout 3: Collector’s Edition recently. I’ve played a couple hours of that and liked it. It’ll be nice to go back to that come this weekend when I’m off.
For now, I’ve been doing a lot of Rock Band 2. Playing misc songs and trying to play at least one song/set in each Venue to unlock an achievement. It’s slow going, but it’s been fun at least.

My son celebrated his birthday this past Sunday (the 14th). His birthday is actually the 15th, but it was the best time to celebrate. It was fun and he made out like a little bandit.
He got the following:

1.) Mercenaries 2 (xbox 360)
2.) Shrek The Third (xbox 360)
3.) Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (xbox 360)
4.) Gears of War 2: Limited Edition (xbox 360)
5.) Ninja Gaiden II (xbox 360)
6.) BioShock (xbox 360)
7.) Kirby’s super star Ultra (DS)
8.) 1600 Microsoft Pointd x2
9.) Xbox Live 12+1 month subscription card
10.) Wall-E movie
11.) Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie (2 disc Special Edition)
12.) Star Wars: Clone Trooper Blaster (shoots soft nerf darts)
13.) Ghostbusters shirt (and it’s a NICE one!)
14.) DVD Shelf (holds 60)

So yeah, overall, not a bad haul. Especially for an 8 year old. He was happy, and I really enjoyed seeing him happy, so it worked out. Family of course came over, and we ende dup playing Rock Band 2 for a bit. Bryan sang 2 songs (Still Alive and Hungry Like The Wolf), and even I took my turn (Eye of the Tiger and Still Alive). It was fun.

And now today is my birthday. My best friend Bryan called me this morning, which was nice. And my mother gave me $25, which was cool. My sister Tabitha gave me $20 at a pizzeria we like. That’s it. My sister Chris was so kind as to send me a text message to my cell. A voice mail would have been a little nicer, but I can’t complain.
My father hasn’t called or said a word and only 1 other random friend from Facebook has said anything. So, I feel ignored *chuckles*. Of course, since I don’t say anything about it or make a big deal about my birthday to begin with, I can’t complain too much, huh?
Still, sucks my own father ca never call for anyone’s birthday on time. Didn’t call my son either. I had to call him at 8:30 at night. He claims he had the wrong date, but that’s bullcrap. He’s just ignorant.
Jerk.

Oh well, I’m not gonna dwell on it. It’s late and I’m tired. Day overall hasn’t been bad, so I won’t end it on a bad note. Till late, g’night all!

Emotional Undertone:

apathetic

I haven’t been doing well. Not emotionally, not spiritually. Not mentally, not physically. So to sum it up; not at all. And there’s a good part of it related to my time on the computer. I’m doing things not good or not healthy for me and I just need to get away from it. Because of things here, it’s lowering my morale, morals, my standards…and it all shows in my life outside this place.
I get angry so easy. When I play video games, I get to the point where I’m swearing and have even slipped and taken the Lord’s name in vain. When I get like this, I have taken it out on my son, who most certainly does NOT deserve me getting frustrated at him when he doesn’t do anything. I apologize to him, but it’s not enough. It shouldn’t happen.
Then there’s thing with Adelle. Oh how I know things are bad and reaching their breaking points. But how much of it could be avoided, or handled better if my temper wasn’t so out of control anymore from my actions? Would I go off about dishes or laundry? Would I complain about how she handles things (or as much anyways) if I wasn’t such a loose cannon, only lashing out because I’m avoiding everything in my life through negative actions? And this only affects Bryan more hearing it…
And it’s not just anger that’s got me down.
My spirituality is suffering a lot as well. If I continue down this path then there’s no way I’ll be able to baptize my own son in the church. And even bigger picture, how can I expect him to go and do right when he sees me doing all this wrong? I want him to grow up right, and have it better than I did. And I want to be there next to him, with him along the way. I love him so much; I can’t do anything less and claim otherwise.
And it’s more than that. My thoughts aren’t pure, or at least appropriate sometimes, I have no motivation for much, I haven’t written anything in so long. Not that I haven’t wanted to, but I feel like my depression, my failings, everything coupled together is holding all the good back. I wanted to bear my testimony this fast Sunday, but I don’t feel I have a right to after everything anymore.

I’m depressed and torn between worlds. Because I’m depressed, I do the wrong things, and it leads me to more depression afterwards because I know it was wrong. While I’m in the wrong world, I find things that draw me very strongly. For instance, there are 2 girls I really like. One I work with, one I’ve met online in a random chat on AIM. The one I work with is pretty and has a wondrous personality. And for the most part, she really is a decent person (she smokes pot once in a while, which is the biggest thing I don’t like). There are some stances she’s taken on issues that, while I don’t agree with them, it’s her choice to make as well. And there’s the added bonus that she actually lives close. I find myself wanting to pursue her.
Then there’s girl number 2, the one from the chat, I’ve only known her a couple weeks but she’s amazing in looks and personality. She’s so outgoing and just fun to talk to. But, then she’s also a lot more immoral to what I should be around, she doesn’t live close and there’s really not many restraints here.
In the wrong world, there’d be no hesitation to pursuing either one. And in doing so, I could easily end my loneliness and have someone I could love.
But the good world, the right world, has an equally, if not more powerful call. It’s there I know I want better than that of the wrong world. I want a girl I can marry in the church. I want one with whom I share main common interests (two main ones being church and Star wars). It seems so silly, given the combination, but it’s also the purest of balance. Someone I can share immortality with in the next life with the Lord, and someone I can share my greatest interest with here in this life. If she likes it as much as I do, then that gives infinite things to talk about. The movies, the books, the games, and, in doing all that, she’d be easily supportive, encouraging and even motivational with my own writing for it (which I’d love to do professionally). And in the end of all that, I can look back and say, “I couldn’t have done it without my wife beside me”.
I want someone I can grow old with, share children with, and just have fun with. The right world can give me that. And in this world, I also know the wrong one can’t. any “love” I think I’ve found will be built on falsehoods and hollow foundations that would give way overtime. My current life would be case in point. Everything about Adelle and I in the beginning was wrong. If I had done right by my life, things wouldn’t be where they are today because I would have made the right choices.

The scriptures (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, etc,) all talk about how the more we do wrong, the more we turn away from God, or good in general even, we harden our hearts and spirits. We fall away from the moral ground we start out on at birth. I’m at a point I feel as if it’s a physical thing. I can actually feel it harden and it hurts inside.

I’ve taken all this into consideration. I’ve read over past entries and I’ve seen where my life has been, where it’s going and I know I need to make some tough choices in my life. I’m starting here tonight with one of the biggest.
I’m avoiding 90% of the computer. This means no IM programs, no chat rooms, no web surfing. I will sign on only to update my LiveJournal and Facebook and I will of course, buy things still off Amazon and the Sci-Fi Book Club. If I can handle that, then maybe, MAYBE I will be back in small doses on the IM programs. It will depend. If I see no one on, I will sign off and not be back for the rest of the night. That way I can avoid the idle time which leads to the wrong.
So what’s this mean? How will I keep in touch with everyone I’ve come to know and love as friends, family on here? Well, aside from LiveJournal and Facebook, I will still have MSN (through my Xbox ONLY, so I can chat that way while I’m playing a game), Xbox Live, my Wii, and my phone.
Now, not everyone has Xbox or Wii, so I have a request of everyone who will read this. I’m screening comments to this entry so no one else can see them. Please, leave your phone number for me (even those I’ve called before incase numbers have changed). I will call once, twice a week (depends on the person, schedule, and wanting to avoid being a pain) to catch up, keep in touch and see how things are.
There’s so many people I don’t want to lose touch with. Everyone on LiveJournal and Facebook are included in that. Alecto, Terin, Tara, Marc, Slaixth, Li, …the list goes on and on. I know some of you don’t have a number for. It’s up to you if you want to leave it, but I would love to talk to you all. Even if it’s only for five minutes.
And there are those I haven’t seen or talked to in so long, I don’t know if they even check this journal anymore. Kevin, if you see this, I miss talking to ya, man. I had some of the deepest conversations with you, I hope someday to have that again. And I hope things go well for you.

I seem to be ending this as if it’s a final goodbye. I don’t think it’s that just yet. But it’s certainly going to be longer between visits. I have my problems I want resolved. Pray for me. Pray I can get back on track to where I belong. To where I need to be.
And I’ll keep you al in prayer as well. You all are already in my thoughts daily.
I know this didn’t update on more of the daily issues. That will be its own entry at a later date. This entry had to be for the more important things.

Till next time

Sincerely,
Jason
"You didn't say goodbye..." "We never do." - Tesa and Duncan McLeod about Duncan and Conner McLeod parting company, Highlander: The Series, premiere episode.
...It felt fitting...

Emotional Undertone:	depressed/Determined
Musical Overlay:	Celine Dion - Call The Man

It’s been a while since I came here to the Imzadi Zone, since I sat down on the front step of her former Voorhees, New Jersey home. It’s been a while since I let the drizzle of rain come down over me. And since then, in all this time, I have had no desire to leave. I have felt resolved to this place my entire stay here.
In my time here, I have walked to the edge to stare out at the zone that represents my present. And all I see is the storm that started so long ago growing now en masse over the area. The damage is cumulating, the scars growing; the hurt is becoming unbearable there. So it’s one more reason I haven’t felt the need or push to leave this place. So for the unforeseeable future, this is my haven from everything, albeit not always a safe one anymore.
Infact, it’s due to my prolonged stay here that “The Punisher” has been able to follow me even here and continue it’s haunting of me. It was only by its morbid influence that I had an inkling to search for her. And only to know how she was and how things were going.
From my pocket I pull out two of the more profound pieces of what I found. I look at them and stare so intently as to memorize every detail. The first is a picture of her smiling and the other is of her with her newborn and first child happy on the back porch of their new home.
And as I continue to take the images in, I can’t help but be flooded with a powerful mix of emotions. The tears run freely as I feel a sense of longing first and foremost. Of not just her, but of also times past and the places those took place.
Sarah McLachlan sung the words, “I know I can’t be with you. I do what I have to do.” And no truer words have been spoken for me. I thought at one point in my life I was doing just that; doing what I had to do to make it to that next day. But as I look into a life I haven’t been a part of in years, I no longer know what to do to make it by. I feel like I have nothing else to cling to to pull me through. And again I’m forced to ask, when every love song you hear, and every love theme you come across in shows and movies, books and surroundings you’re in is just another way to say what’s in your heart for that person…how can you possibly let go without letting go of everything you are inside? Can you even be the same person?
The second, and perhaps biggest emotional response is simply the pity and self grief I feel at myself. I look at everything she and her husband have achieved in their lives. Everything they have and I realize with a slap in the face that it wasn’t life that kept me from her. Plain and simple, it was me that kept me from her. Not that I didn’t have the potential to be everything she deserved or needed. But because I simply just didn’t do what was needed. I didn’t work for it; I didn’t try and earn it. Instead, I found a million and one reasons why I couldn’t when reality is or was that I just didn’t. And if anyone needed more proof, then all one has to do is look at the lives of her, Bryan (my best friend), or anyone else from the church and then take a look at all the short coming of my own.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
I place my right hand over my heart as I lower the pictures from view. The pain is beyond measure. Joseph Smith taught and spoke that “hell” (the Telestial Kingdom) is the eternal gnashing of the teeth (figuratively speaking) and self damnation of knowing you could have achieved a higher glory (Terrestrial or Celestial) and didn’t work for it.
I can’t see it differing from what I’m going through now.
I stand from my step in front of her house and walk to a new small stand that has manifested in this zone due to my prompting. It’s a simple black stand with a single drawer. I open it and taking one last look at the pictures, one more emotion hits.
It’s a strange sense of some kind of closure.
Because while I see in the pictures my own shortcomings, that wasn’t their intent. Their intent was to show something I almost missed at the first glance. The pictures’ true purpose was to show she did make it. She got everything from life she deserved. Things I felt she deserved. That’s all I ever wanted for her. To be happy, to be content. To have that fulfilling life that you saw she yearned for even back when I knew her.
Above everything I feel, as conflicted as I often feel on things, Laurie deserved her happy ending. And I’m glad she got it.
So I smile faintly and lay the pictures atop the many pages of her blogs I also recovered. Things to add a new chapter to the legacy she’s left within me. And while I haven’t read those pages, too afraid to face any hurt they may cause, they’re there. One day perhaps I can face that.
But not right now.
I walk back over to the step that has been my residence in this world for quite the while now and take my seat. I close my eyes, my tears renewed and let the faint rain come down.
Maybe all I need is one big release.
I just hope it comes soon….

Emotional Undertone:

crushed

I suppose we can start with this past Wednesday (10/29). My co-worker/acquaintance Eric form work came over 8pm that night. It wasn’t a social call though. Despite his non beliefs when it comes to religion, he has taken a curiosity turn towards it in general and wanted some general answers. He had his questions on faith, beginnings, God’s reasonings behind things, how evolution and everything in between fitted in with life in general. While some of the questions could have been taken for attacks, it was understood that they weren’t and he was very respectful with them all.
So, because he had so many questions and lately at work we’ve had a decent number of religious discussions, I asked if he wanted to just sit down and have a Q & A session with the missionaries from my church. No lessons, no pushing, just helpful answers (this was also prompted because the missionaries gave me the challenge of trying to find people I know who would meet with them).
So, Eric came over and the missionaries arrived shortly afterwards. It was a very calm, peaceful session and I was surprised at how well and smooth everything went. The only real stump was the good ol’ dinosaur question Eric asked which was handled, just not to what he hoped for. Can’t win them all I guess. At the end, they challenged him to simply pray and ask God if he was real. Nothing more, nothing less. Eric gave it a half hearted attempted, but the sincerity wasn’t there. So, hopefully, he’ll keep trying. The fact he did at all is at least a promising start.

Friday night was of course, good old Halloween. Took my son out Trick-Or-Treating around my mother’s neighborhood, along with Adelle and my brother Michael. Bryan was a Jedi Youngling and I even let him use my nice lightsaber to hold and wave around (using the cheap $5 collapsible one to hang on his belt). I dressed as Shaggy and borrowed my brother’s giant Scooby-Doo shaped pillow to carry on my back. It was a lot of fun and I have pictures of Bryan dressed up (I’ll get to posting soon). He got a nice little stash of candy now.

Aside from all that, there isn’t much going on. I finished a couple more books and got a couple more movies, but I’d prefer to keep that for another entry since this one actually has substance. So until next time…

Emotional Undertone:

calm

So I’ve tried numerous times now to actually sit here and write (type) an actual journal entry with some substance. I’ve been trying to do it for months now and as you can see, to no avail. It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say, but I just don’t feel like there’s a whole lot that’s new (and ironically, I’ve said that before too).
But I suppose that isn’t the point of having a journal (be it personal or public, or however one decides to do it). So, let’s see if I can push this out.

To get the small stuff out of the way, work is slow. Very slow. Almost scary slow. I’m hoping it’ll pick up soon. Although that might be a moot point if Elaine (boss) does what she’s thinking/talking about. That being, firing Eric, fellow co-worker and friend (sorta?). He’s got a bad record of either being late, wanting to miss work (or come in late if it’s slow) or just missing days way too often for Elaine’s taste and I can’t say I blame her. A lot of it is due to him using his cell phone as an alarm and on top of that, he’s ruining them too much which is negating the purpose of using it.
Really, one shouldn’t even be using a cell phone as an alarm. Adelle uses hers as one too and she has over slept before and has been late as well more than once. It’s stupid. C’mon, it’s a cell phone, it’s not meant to be so loud as to wake you up! And it’s not reliable should you break it. My word, put out the $25 and buy a decent alarm clock.
My friend Will left work. Tuesday of this week was his last day. Sad really as he was one of the 2 people (and the bigger of the 2) that I really got to talk to about common interests and he’s the only one from work I’ve actually had over multiple times. I enjoyed his company and conversations with him even if we had drastically different life styles in aspects. He was a very nice guy and I miss him being around. He left to attend college, so I can’t begrudge him of trying to better himself and his life. And, he’ll be back by around Christmas time, so hopefully that’ll work out.

Things with Adelle aren’t that great. Fighting keeps growing as she pushes more and more to move on despite things not being as simple as she wants to believe with my and Bryan getting situated on our own. I filled out the housing papers and just need to get the filed. Still, it wasn’t easy and I hate dealing with this issue. I know I have to but part of me hates that I failed at life. I failed at the very thing I swore I wouldn’t. I try anymore to just go day to day and not think about it, but things like this bring me right back around…

My heart as been drifting a lot lately. Thinking about love. Love in general, love specifically about people, past and future, even love of the “never even remotely possible but I can dream” sort of way.
As for the past, I’m sure anyone who knows me and reads this will instantly think of the biggest and first to come to mind. Yes a lot of it goes to Laurie. Not per say in a still longing, but just “what if” moments. Yes, I’m aware I shouldn’t have them and that it’s not healthy after all this time, but what part of her and I have ever been healthy? I just think about what if I’ve said some things I didn’t, did things I should have or could have and of course most of it is prompted by a song I’m listening to. And then my mind visually sets a scene/scenario that would never happen. Of course I still wish things had turned out better than they had. I wish I still had her as a friend, and I wish I had done things differently and yes, there are times I still wish things had happened between us. I can’t help how my heart thinks about her. It’s funny really. Despite the immeasurable amount of hurt I went through back then over her, I find myself yearning none the less to go back. Because despite it all, I find that love was so simple back then. I didn’t have to question it and I didn’t have to worry how to maintain it or support it or anything else. I simply just had to feel it.
It was all I could do.
Now, I look at everyone and I’m overwhelmed. Even if I wasn’t in the situation I am, I wouldn’t know where to start. Just having a kid hampers things (which I don’t dwell on too much though because I love my son more than anything and he makes me so happy, I can’t begin to explain). And anymore, women want jerks, criminals and all around mentally abusive guys who will mistreat them at every turn. At least, that’s what happens to all the girls I know.
Makes one wonder when the nice guy, the one who wants to be romantic and hold the one he loves, write her poems and treat her right ever fit in this world. I certainly can’t find a place.

Still, despite everything I’m trying not to focus on much I guess. I work, play games, and sleep mostly, finding myself online less and less. As far as all that goes (reading, movies, video games, etc), here’s the break down:

On the video game front, I’ve now beaten Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (Light Side ending) on the Wii. Most of the new/different/added aspects to the story came from during the game and so there was nothing new ending wise, but I did love the ride. Overall, this game is a lot of fun. Now I gotta beat it on the Dark Side ending to unlock a couple more things. I’m also trying now to do the Sith Master difficulty (hardest possible setting) on the 360 version. Wow it’s insane.
I beat Too Human last night as well. I enjoyed the story and its twist and can’t wait for the next chapter in the game (confirmed trilogy) to see where things go from where this one left off. I’m by no means finished with this game though as there’s so much to do. I need to piece together a suit of Epic armor, which alone will take me a good while. I’ll probably end up having to buy it form another player, but ah well. The money is certainly there. I just have to grind it.
I also ended up getting Mega Man 9 again, this time on the Xbox 360. If I had known it would be on the 360, I never would have gotten it on Wii. But everything I read only mentioned the Wii, so I thought it was an exclusive. I got it on the Xbox 360 because of not just the controls, but for the Achievements too. Of course, I didn’t know the Achievements were so insane that they were a moot point at this moment. But ah well.
And, lastly, I have Infinite Undiscovery coming in the mail for the Xbox 360. It’s an RPG that’s gotten a lot of positive reviews and simply looks amazing from what I have seen of it. I can’t wait to get it.

In the reading realm, I finished Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I’m disappointed in the book as it had potential to easily be at least a duology and really expand on events, characters and time. But alas, the author wrote it too much like the video game and things happened that just shouldn’t have. The writing did get a lot better once the jumping around from hit target to hit target stopped, but it still needed much more fleshing out.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the book. But overall, I haven’t been this disappointed since Barbara Hambly wrote her Star Wars books.
Take that for what you will.
Now, I’m currently reading Star Wars: Coruscant Nights I: Jedi Twilight. Now this is a book I’m enjoying and can’t wait to finish it so I can ready book II.
And speaking of books, I also have Star Wars: Republic Commando: Order 66 coming in the mail with my game, so I can’t wait to get and read that.

Musically, I’ve been listening to Sarah McLachlan a lot lately. Her voice, her music, all seems to just fit how I’ve been feeling a lot recently and of course, being that I swear I could fall in love with her (haha), I might just have some bias towards her.
She’s got a couple new songs out on her Closer: The Best Of Sarah McLachlan album that’s come out and I really enjoy them, especially “U Want Me 2”. She seems to always know what I’m feeling and how to put it all into words.
She really is someone I’d love to sit down with all night and just talk and get to know. *sigh*. It’ll never happen, I know.

Lastly, movies. I bought the 2-disc special edition DVD of Iron Man (getting the Target exclusive case) when it came out. Watched it for the first time with my son and we both simply loved the movie. I thought it was funny at all the right parts and I loved the action, acting and special effects.
I think the only thing I felt myself conflicted with is that he’s a hero and yet he kills. While I understand his motives (it’s a war and they held him captive for 3 months), it’s just, …he’s a hero! But then I don’t know how you could have such a hero and not kill.
Oh well, I can get over it.

And that’s about it for now. Not that I don’t have other thoughts going through my head. For instance, there’s the whole Economic Bail Out plan, the “Dark Flow” recently discovered in space, Einstein’s patent on a fridge that uses no Freon or electricity, and the new study being done on death/out of body experiences in hospitals.
But, I’m tired and well, it’s a long entry as is it. More later.

Emotional Undertone:

slightly depressed

Things are going okay I suppose. Nothing has really changed much, which is one reason I haven’t updated in so long. I feel like there isn’t anything of worth to really report on.

In the reading world, I’ve completed a couple books since last post. First was Halo: Ghosts of Onyx. Was a really good and dramatic read and had me misty eyed at one point. Amazing book and it doesn’t even have Master Chief in it!
Then I read Star Wars: The Clone Wars novelization of the movie by Karen Traviss. This was both a good read and bad one. It was good to get more insight to the characters, but for a Karen Traviss novel, this was certainly her worst. It read okay, but there was so much potential she seemed to overlook that it made me actually cringe given her experience with the whole clone aspect of things with her Republic Commando series.
Currently, I’m reading Star Wars; The Force Unleashed. And it’s not the read I was hoping for. The beginning third of the book is way too much video game. T his means, its reading too closely like the game, Force powers and all and for the type of game it’s based on, that isn’t a good thing. There’s also very little background or insight to anyone involved save for perhaps the character of Juno Eclipse. This is very bad as there was so much potential with the “bosses” and the Apprentice himself.
On the upside though, it’s getting a lot better since the storyline became more linear and focused. Perhaps the author didn’t know how to handle the first part since it seemed to jump from part to part. I hope it continues.

On the video game front, there’s been a bit to report.
I’ve gotten my fill with Soul Calibur IV and have since moved onto other games.
I got Viking: The Battle of Asgard on the Xbox 360 since it was on clearance at Target. Well worth the $20 I paid as I enjoyed the game very much and have since beaten it as well. I only need 5 more Achievements to finish this off, 4 of which are for just naturally beating the game on the hard setting.
I’ve beaten (both Dark Side and Light Side) endings on Star Wars: The Force Unleashed for the 360 and am currently about 1/3 the way through it on the Wii. T his game has made me very glad I got both versions as they play, look and feel like 2 completely different games. I’m enjoying both for their respective reasons. The storyline (the Light Side ending is the cannon ending) is really well done and there’s some very nice tie ins to the movies one should play the game or read the book to find out.
I’m halfway through Too Human for the Xbox 360. I really love t his game as it has a nice MMO feel to it and brings me back to the good ol’ days of Star Wars Galaxies. No, it doesn’t per say have a lot in common with the game, but the good times of my experience with that are here in Too Human. I’ve been taking my time with the game though and going back to level up and collect more loot before moving on to the second half of the game. But I’ll be playing this one a long time as there’s so many classes to try and so much to get.
I have also started another game I got for $20 and that’s the rpg game, Blue Dragon for the 360. I’m only about 2 hours into playing the game, but I’ve liked it so far and like the old school feel it has to it. It brought back memories of the older rpgs from yesterdays and the storyline has much intrigued too. So I can’t wait to play more of this.
The last game is Tales of Vesperia. I haven’t really done much with this other than start it and save it. It looks really good and has gotten really good reviews, but I won’t know until I’ve completed another game or so and have time for this one.
Of course, there’s been WiiWare/Virtual console games and Xbox Live Arcade games I’ve gotten since as well, not just the hardcopy games.
For WiiWare/Virtual Console, I have gotten My Aquarium (a nice, relaxing and very well done simulator), Super Mario RPG, and Mega Man 9.
On Xbox Live, I’ve gotten Castle Crashers which is a great platformer with rpg elements. The game itself has a lot to unlock and do, and has online multiplayer. I’ve beaten it but have played it online since with Marc, Slaixth and my son. Seems its one of the more popular titles on XBL.

And that’s really it for now. I know it doesn’t seem like much. Just video game updates, but that’s really all there is to report. Work is going good; I’m still getting the extra hours and spiritually things are still going back and forth, but I’m haven’t given up on anything either, so that’s good.
Until more develops, later!

Emotional Undertone:

good/okay