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Where Have I Been? Nowhere Wanted...

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I’ve been wanting to write a LiveJournal. I haven’t written since January but every time I go to write I just don’t have the energy or desire. I mean, I want to update, to keep up, but sometimes I feel so depressed over things I just don’t want to face that. I often prefer just shutting the world away.

So much time has passed; I’m not sure if it’s worth mentioning everything that’s transpired or if I should ignore it all and start with today.
I’m not sure if that’s really an option. I’ll try to plug in key parts, but I can’t possibly fill in on everything.

For those who don’t know (and I think most do), I was in an accident back on March 4th. Both Bryan and I were fine and the thing was a stupid error on my part. I simply missed seeing a car and in the end I lost the front end of my car. The other driver was fine, but her car ruined too.
So, after years, I no longer drive a Ford Focus wagon (and I loved that car!). I drive now a Mercury Sable LE. It’s a really nice car and I don’t regret having it. But I’ll always miss that Focus. I’m still getting issues worked out with this car but overall, I can’t complain.

Work has been slow. If not for the good graces of God, I don’t know where my paychecks would be because it seems a miracle every time I see my commission staying on average. Very little customers, but what few come in are spending a bit more so it’s balancing. Barely, but it is.
Things seem to be going up and down with Elaine (boss) though. I dunno, I suppose if I look back it happens periodically. Maybe I read too much into what I see/hear. I overreact and it’s just her having a day. Or maybe I’m reading things perfectly clear and I walk away cut and bleeding by the end because I don’t know how to defend myself.
For instance today 3 things were said that I really just got thrown off guard about.
The first was about our vacations. At one point she had said she wanted a week notice. Okay, this Monday I asked her if it was enough time to request Mon – Wed off next week. I even went as far as saying if not it wasn’t a big deal because I had no plans for the vacation days. I’m just using them to use them. If it was inconvenient due to schedule, I didn’t mind at all waiting. She told me no problem. Well, yesterday, the semi newbie employee (she’s been here not quite a year) put in her two weeks (which Elaine and I both saw coming anyways). With that in mind I asked if she wanted me to wait. She said no cause now was the time before she left and we had to wait till a new person was hired and trained.
So today the semi newbie (who still has 3 days vacation herself left) said she wanted to take next Friday off (he last day) so she could make sure she had everything in order before she moved (hence why she’s leaving). Well, this seemed to be a trigger point and I noticed Elaine’s attitude/demeanor shift. I asked what was wrong and she threw up both the semi newbie and my own vacation. “I asked everyone when you were all given your vacation days to think when you all wanted them and let me know”. Yeah… okay, I’m not planning my vacation 3 months in advanced. I didn’t even use all my days last year. Not to mention she had also before said one week notice. And I reminded her she’s said that. “Well I didn’t know she was gonna want to take off Friday”. And I did? It’s not my fault. And I still told Elaine I could postpone; it wasn’t a big deal if I took these days. I had no plans. “No, take them, gotta use them sooner or later”. You know what, I’ve given more than enough chances for you to keep me on if needed. Don’t dare get pissy with me now and make me feel like I should regret that I took 3 of my ELEVEN (was twelve, used one already) vacation days! Should I NEVER take them just incase??
The second thing she made a comment about (which was out of the blue) was that she’d wait till next week to hire the new guy (the week I would be on vacation). She said she’d train him them. And made a point to say, “May not be how YOU want him trained, but I’ll train him.” Uh, okay? It’s not my frameshop. Since when did I train anyway but her way? I can only train people how I was taught. At one point I misheard and thought she said she liked me to train. She said no, SHE liked to train her own people. This is in direct contradiction to what she told me a couple years ago. She said then she didn’t like to. So, given the 2 things together and the implications within, somewhere along the line I guess she’s accusing me of screwing up and doing something wrong. How lovely and completely random talk down.
Third thing was a comment about how I sometimes make her feel like she works for me. “You answer the phones, take orders, and prep a lot of the stuff. All I does is put some frames together” what the heck? This is coming from the same person who would prefer us to find something to do as opposed to standing around and reading whenever possible. She doesn’t want us working through the frames too quick and “working ourselves out of a job”. Okay, so I do other things like put the frames out, prep, answer the phones. These ARE all things I am supposed to do and can do. Now I’m doing it too much and making her feel like I’m in charge? I don’t boss her around or tell her what to do. She said she doesn’t pay us enough to work a “tight shift”. No, I’m not paid $10 - $15 an hour. Okay, I didn’t know I had to be paid huge bucks to have a work ethic. How bad is that when working TOO well makes me a bad employee and I get to be made feel bad about it?

I guess that leads me to my fit of depression today. I think to through the years of being there. There are times I feel like we’re good friends more or less. She brings me food, I treat her when I can in small ways, we talk about a lot of things, and we can have really good talks, or laugh. I feel like it’s a place I want to come back to every day.
Then there’s days like this where things like those said can make me feel like nothing ever mattered and everyone would be better for not ever knowing me.
When these kind of things happen, I’m always brought back to how she’s said she doesn’t go to work to make friends. And I think to a lot of others who’ve said the same thing. And I get so upset and hurt because I can’t imagine where you wouldn’t want to know you can wake up and look forward to going to work because hey, you’re off to see your friends! Yes, I know, it’s said you shouldn’t mix work with friendship because it can muddy things. You know what, then you’re weak willed. I would never let a friend abuse me to where it was like that. There are rules to be followed and REAL friends wouldn’t expect you to let them abuse or ignore them. I hate how distant people want to be, especially when it makes me feel it’s just one more place I don’t belong. Bad enough family and so called friends have treated me like that. Now I’m paid to go through it when I work too?
I see why people can drift through life, not knowing when or where to settle. I see little places left that I’d want to settle anymore. And fewer still that I feel welcomed enough to do so.

In regards to my hobbies, I don’t know how I’m gonna list them, it’s a lot.

Reading: I can’t go into a lot about all these, but I can list ones I’ve finished.
1.) Star Wars: Crosscurrent - This one took me a bit to get into only because of the dialogue seemingly so awkward. The author had a good story, good action, and everything was smooth sailing except when someone spoke. Then it was like everyone, no matter the character, had to speak almost as if they were all Star Trek’s Data. Just, weird. The most intriguing part of the story is that it follows no mains and that the main character is Jadon Korr, Kyle Katarn’s apprentice form Jedi Academy game.
2.) Star Wars: The Clone Wars: No Prisoners - another great book, this series is typing together the Clone Wars animated series VERY nicely with the Expanded Universe novels. This one really addresses the issue of No Attachments, focusing on the rogue sect of Jedi Callista belonged to, even having Anakin meet them. A good read with some nice Clone Trooper perspective to boot.
3.) Star Wars: Imperial Commando:501st - This continues the Republic Commando series of books by Karen Traviss. As one of my fave series of books, up there with the X-wing series, this is all I need to say. Looooved it!
4.) Star Wars: Rebel Forces: Firefight - young Reader series that takes place between ANH and ESB. I really like the mixing of classic era with some prequels and between era characters. Luke visits Kamino in this book and meets a character form Last of the Jedi series.
5.) Star Wars: Rebel Forces: Trapped - continues the series and brings together a few more characters form the past young reader books, while also starting Luke down the path we see him build to in the beginning of ESB.
6.) Halo: Evolutions: Essential Tales of the Halo Universe - These are the stories Halo: Legends should have told! These were amazing stories from all walks of life in Halo. From Colony worlds to the main military, to Spartans IIs and IIIs to ODSTs, Covenant and even Cortana. A must read to give a real perspective on the universe outside the games.
7.) Star Trek: Voyager: Unworthy - This puts a lot of things back on track for Voyager. I really enjoyed this book and more so the unexpected twist with Species 8472. All I can say is read.

Movies: Not a lot here.
1.) Avatar - Bought the Blu Ra. Beautiful movie, good characters, good story. Not the stuff of legends as some would have you think, but a really good foundation to be one. In need of a prequel though because I feel you’re thrust too far into the development of things.
2.) Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakual - Got on blu ray. Loved the first so I had to get this. I enjoyed this one too but it wasn’t as good as the first. Still, solid movie and worth it for chipmunk fans.
3.) Halo: Legends -Honestly, I haven’t watched the whole thing. I loved the intro with Cortana. And here were a couple good stories. But some were just really bad. The art overall, again, except for the Cortana intro, was just meh to bad in my opinion. I was really disappointed with what I’ve seen thus far, but I’m gonna hold on final judgment till I finish it.

I guess that’s it for now. I know this is long, but I’m gonna try to keep up more. I know, I say that every time. Shouldn’t be so hard now that I’ve gotten this much out of the way.

Emotional Undertone:
depressed depressed
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